The Royal Turkeybaums

When I began making my plans to visit my mother and sister in Rochester, one of the few things I wanted to do was visit my cousin A, because she just had a baby, and I wanted to hold the baby. However, since we can't just see one member of the family without seeing the rest of them, we made it into a little tea and cake party for my mother, since it was her birthday. But, honestly, the whole point was for me to see the baby.

So, Sunday rolls around, and the first to arrive is my mom's friend C, followed shortly thereafter by the first members of the family, D and M. M broke her leg in a car accident so she's gimping around, and D's walking around like his shit's made of gold and he's God's gift to everyone. They sit at the table. Then, then, pulls up my lovely cousin A, lugging a baby carrier with her beloved baby boy, N.

A walks in the front door, looks at me with wild, crazy eyes, and says, "SHHH! N's sleeping. He sleeps for two hours."

"Oh yeah?" I ask. "I'm gonna pick him up."

"No, you're not," she informs me.

"Oh, yes I am."

"No, you're not. He's got a cold and pink eye, and I just got him down for a nap. He needs to sleep for two hours, because he likes to sleep for two hours for each of his naps. And I also have pink eye, a cold, my period and I have a yeast infection. I wasn't even going to come."

Smiling sweetly, because I can now see how this day is going to go, I turn around and walk back into the kitchen. "I'm sorry," I tell my mother quietly, "I now see the error of my ways." She smiles weakly as she pops an unidentifiable pill.

Soon enough, my aunt L shows up, all 250 pounds of her wrapped up in a short sleeve, size small shirt. Shortly thereafter, the doorbell rings again, and it's friends of the family, E and Mari. Not that I don't love E and Mari, but they hadn't been invited. But wait, aunt L invited them. To our house. Without telling anyone. I now start longing for one of my mother's unidentifiable pills.

By this point, cousin A has moved on from pink eye to how perfectly baby N sleeps in his little two-hour increments, to how she needs to pump twice in the morning to get one bottle of breast milk.

I'm at this point getting so frickin' irritated that my hair is literally standing on end. I go play scrabble with my sister, D, M with D's brother watching over us. I play the word AX.

"AX isn't a word!" D's brother yells, even though he's not playing. I calmly explain that it is, indeed, a word. "No, it's not! It's AXE!"

"Dude, if you're not playing, mind your business," I tell him.

Later, I play the word AY.

"AY isn't a word!" D's brother yells, even though he's not playing. I calmly explain that it is, indeed, a word. "No it's not! Prove it."

After the game was over, I proved it.

Later on, everyone left. Only D and M said good bye.

I'd rather have gone to the hockey game.