Rubber face

I found this video online last night. I was so tired when I watched it, that it caused a massive giggle fit. Now that I'm awake, it's not nearly as giggle-inducing, but it's still pretty damn entertaining.

Tons of fun

I just discovered this great toy website that has everything weird. It's called McPhee, and it's got every great psychiatry action figure known to man. It's even got a sky-diving Freud. Who doesn't need a sky-diving Freud?

Anyhoo...here are some of my favorite selections from the site.

The crazy cat lady. We all know of one of these. WhereI grew up, I went to school with the crazy cat lady's son. She was in the paper once for having well over two hundred cats and burning their corpses in her backyard when they'd die.

I wonder what Freud would say to people sucking on his head. I wonder what he would say about the fact that his head is watermelon-flavored.

I love narwhals, just because they're so silly looking. And what could be sillier than a narwhal inpaling a cute baby seal?

Back in the day, women would ingest sterilized tape worms as a form of weight control. Well, turns out that wasn't so safe, but now you can pretend you're ingesting a tape worm for weight control while actually ingesting a pure-sugar tape worm that's adding to your waist-line. It's ironic, folks!

Every man's worst nightmare

I remember when I was a kid, I was reading some sort of horror novel. A traveler's car breaks down, so he and his traveling companion go to a local farm to use the phone. The door opens and the traveler introduces himself as a doctor. The farmer lets them in, invites them to stay the night since the tow truck can't get out until the morning. The only rule is they're not allowed to touch the farmer's daughter. Of course, there's instant chemistry between the daughter and the traveler, but he's a man of honor, and will keep his hands to himself. Naturally the traveling companion sneaks into the daughter's room in the middle of the night. The traveler is awakened by his companion's screams of pain. Running to see what the problem is, he discovers that his companion has had sex with the daughter, only to find that the daughter has a rare case of Vagina Dentata, otherwise known as vag-teeth. His companion has had his ding dong bitten off. Of course the daughter is beside herself, because she doesn't want to cause anyone pain. The farmer has gone ballistic because someone has sullied his daughter, and chases his guests out. The daughter follows, because it was love at first site with the traveler, plus, she knows she'll incur her father's wrath for not keeping her legs shut. "Oh," she wails, "if only we could lay together as a man and a woman could." He stops and turns to her, "Honey," he says, "I never told you what kind of doctor I was. I'm an oral surgeon."

And so they live happily ever after.

Anyhoo, the point to my story is that this movie came out called Teeth, which chronicles the coming-of-age of a young girl afflicted with vagina dentata. Here's the preview. I look forward to watching men get their tackle chomped off.

Brain Freeze - Unfrozen

Ever read a book that you really enjoyed, but you can't for the life of you remember what it was called? That happened to me recently. I remember standing in line at Toys R Us the week before Christmas and the line was a good thirty people long. To occupy myself, I was reading this great book by one of my favorite authors about her life. Thinking about it this past week, I couldn't remember which author it was.

Today it hit me. Laurie Notaro. The author of The Idiot Girl's Action Adventure Club. Granted, I didn't remember out of the blue. I was browsing Barnes and Noble's website for author visits, and saw that she was going to be in town to talk about her new book. It hit me as soon as I saw her name: this is the autor I couldn't remember. Her book, We Thought You Would be Prettier, was hilarious. Here's the blurb from the back cover:

She thought she'd have more time. Laurie Notaro figured she had at least a few good years left. But no-it's happened. She has officially lost her marbles. From the kid at the pet-food store checkout line whose coif is so bizarre it makes her seethe "I'm going to kick his hair's ass!" to the hapless Sears customer-service rep on the receiving end of her Campaign of Terror, no one is safe from Laurie's wrath. Her cranky side seems to have eaten the rest of her-inner-thigh Chub Rub and all. And the results are breathtaking.Her riffs on e-mail spam ("With all of these irresistible offers served up to me on a plate, I WANT A PENIS NOW!!"), eBay ("There should be an eBay wading pool, where you can only bid on Precious Moments figurines and Avon products, that you have to make it through before jumping into the deep end"), and the perils of St. Patrick's Day ("When I'm driving, the last thing I need is a herd of inebriates darting in and out of traffic like loaded chickens") are the stuff of legend.

Believe me, the book itself didn't disappoint.


So, as I was saying, she's going to be in town talking about her new book. I am so there. Here it is: The Idiot Girl and the Flaming Tantrum of Death. I can't wait to read it, and meet her.

For anyone who would like to join me, it'll be on July 16, 2008 at 7:30 pm at the Lincoln Center Barnes & Noble (W 66th St & Broadway). Third floor behind math and science. Exciting stuff, ya'll. I'll be the chunky monkey in the front row wearing the "I'm an Idiot Girl" t-shirt.

Smells so good...you wanna eat me

You know how they say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? Well, I believe that's partially true. When I was in college, my best friend was a man. We hung out with this girl, and one day he said to me, "She smelled like apples. I just wanted to sit closer and closer to her because she was making my mouth water. Now, every time I see apples, I think of her." This made me realize that the way to a man's heart is in fact through his stomach, via the nasal passages. Therefore, the vast majority of the fragrances I wore were food-based. Over the past five years since college, I've developed a refined palate as far as food-based fragrances go. Here are my favorites.

Chocolovers perfume by Aquolina. The only bottle of perfume I've ever used in its entirety and had to replace. I swear to god, it will make you smell like tootsie rolls. Available at Sephora.
This is Buttercream Vanilla room spray. This stuff smells like frosting. Seriously. It makes you want to lick the air. I spray this around my desk, and I can hear people in the adjacent offices say, "does someone have cake?". I'm not a big fan of diffusers, but the spray, so worth it. From Pier 1.
Red velvet cake is actually a chocolate cake with red food coloring in it. Its history, however, states that the red coloring originally came from beets, which were used in lieu of sugar. Today's cakes, however, are just plain chocolate with food dye thrown in. Plus cream cheese frosting. Mmmm....cream cheese froasting. Yummy. Philosophy makes a line of food-scented bath products. Other goodies include coconut frosting and raspberry sorbet. Also available at Sephora.
This fragrance from Demeter is Sugar Cookie. It makes you smell like Sugar Cookies. 'Nuff said. The line also comes with such goodies as Mojito, Chocolate Chip Cookies, Fresh Cotton, Plain Soap and Dirt. Also available at Sephora.

Now, keep in mind that I tend towards confections, whereas some girls prefer fruity fragrances. That's fine, so long as you pick an identifiable fruit. I try to get my perfumes and sprays to smell as close to the real thing as possible. I don't think guys want to be smelling women who reak of artificial fruit cocktail. Just my opinion.

Use with caution, however. Licking may occur.

Get in my belly! Take 2...

A while ago, I posted a video of a woman who was making a life-like, life-sized baby cake, where I pontificated on who in their right minds would want to cut into an infant and eat it.

Well, here's my follow-up. This dude named Kittiwat Unarrom makes body-part shaped bread out of a bakery in Thailand. The bread is made out of some tasty stuff, but it's just a little too realistic looking for my taste. Although this would be a fabulous gift to send to my step-mother for her birthday. A severed bread-head would be perfect for her. Is that mean?

And then, then, as though bread limbs weren't enough, the Japanese just had to one-up the dude. They've invented something called the Cannibal Banquet.
This weird, paper-mache body is filled with food mixed with red sauce. Further red sauce is married with the paper-mache body, so that when it's rolled out to the table on a hospital gurney and the host cuts into it, the body bleeds.

Seriously? Are they so desperate for weirder food than poisonous puffer fish sperm sacks or whole, live octopus that they're branching out to humans, too?

Makes me appreciate that the weirdest we do is alligator and the occasional water rat. Maybe a fried bug or two. Ick.

So sad. So very, very sad.

A grad student at NYU is lonely. He comes home at the end of a trying day to an empty apartment, and forelornely heats up his ramen noodles in his hot pot and eats them on the futon in front of the tv. He looks at his empty bed, dreading crawling under the covers alone. Again.

So, what's our lonely grad student to do? Well, program a bedmate, of course. Drew Burrows taped a friend of his sleeping (consentually), and programed the video to loop. Then he set up a projector to, well, project the looped video onto his mattress, so when he comes home from a long day, he can walk in the door and see someone already asleep in bed. Granted, she's two dimensional, but give the guy a break. He could always put a body pillow there and project her onto it, so he has something to cuddle. Plus, the video looped woman turns over after a while, so it's not entirely like sleeping with a two-dimensional corpse. Or a projection. Well...er...

Burrow's "Virtual Dreamgirl" is currently on display at the Tisch School of the Arts, in an exhibit called "In Bed". And in case you're wondering...yes ladies. He's single.

Dude, I could totally see it. Let's say you decide to tak pity on him and date him, right? And you fall asleep in his bed, only to be woken up in the middle of the night by having him hover over you, dvr in hand, so that you can become his next virtual bedmate. Creepy.

Full story here.