Sunday, July 13, 2008

Erm... (a play by play)

Here's my play-by-play as I watch the Ms. Universe pageant, on tv right now.

I'm currently watching the Ms. Universe contest, and we are in the midst of the swimsuit competition. The ladies all look lovely, and they're stomping the runway to Lady Gaga (Gaya?)'s "let's dance". The singer has bleach blonde hair, shiny vinyl leggings, and a jacket with shoulder pads so huge, she looks like she could get radio reception with them. Holy '80's throwback, Jerry! (btw, Jerry Springer and Mel B are hosting)

The chick from Belgium is super hot, but she didn't make it through to the top 15.

South Africa just did the catwalk, to which BF exclaimed "ew...her walk sucks!" Which he then reiterated for Australia's walk.

Really, people? '80's hair is back in style? Really? Must I aquanet my hair three feet off my head?

Lady Gaga just came back on, and is holding a light-up cane that's either topped with rock candy or crumpled bubble wrap. Either way, she's pimp, yo. Ooh, and she's wearing eyeliner on one eye like the ladies in the Misfits did on Jem. Truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

You know, when I was a kid, and the only reference for make up I had was what the ladies on Jem and the Holograms did, I used to draw lightning bolts on my face. I learned as I got older that this is not the appropriate usage for my mother's revlon cosmetics. Obviously Lady Gaga never got the memo.

Ooh, Ms. Kosovo's interests are writing in her diary. Ms. Australia likes netball. Ms. Russia likes to go clubbing. Ms. Italy's interests are economics and baking chocolate cakes. Thank gawd, I was hoping Ms. Universe didn't have mundane interests like volunteering in homeless shelters or doing research to cure AIDS.

BF is rooting for Ms. Venezuela. Why? Because we could learn a lot from their country. Just what could we learn, I ask. A lot, he responds. Okey dokey.

Watching all these chicks is making me crave a cheeseburger.

Evening gown time. Lots of spandez and sequins. Ms. Mexico's is see-through. It looks like a bad figure-skating outfit.

Oh, shit. Ms. America fell down. Score one for the terrorists. There was probably a government conspiracy to put grease on the bottom of her stilettos to make her fall, so they can blame it on Iran and have an excuse to invade. GO AMERICA!

Ms. Dominican Republic's dress is entirely see through but for a few strategically placed mirrors. It looks like her mom went crazy with a body-stocking and a hot glue gun.

This shit's on for another half hour, and I'm bored, so I'm gonna sign out for now. If anything else exciting happens, I'll update.

Ta for now.