Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Elevator Ettiquete

Elevator Ettiquete

1. when waiting to get on the elevator, when the door opens, step back so that those getting off can do so without having to elbow you out of the way.

2. when getting on the elevator, please push your button and move to the rear of the elevator, making room for more people to get on.

3. if there is not enough room for you to fit, wait for the next elevator, do not try to squeeze on.

4. don't try to board the elevator before those already on the elevator have attempted to get off.

5. unless you are disabled, stop being such a lazy ass and taking the elevator one floor up or down. especially down.

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Rule #5

Dear all the men in the world,

I know you mean to seem attentive, but never, ever, tell a woman that they look tired or that they look sick. Actually, you know what, this can also be addressed to women as well. Let me rephrase:

Dear EVERYONE,

Don't tell a woman that they look either sick that they look tired. It implies that they don't look their best. You will only put them off. Unless you mean to put them off. Then you're just being mean.

Thank you for your time.

Love,
Vanessa

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Rule #4

What to do when your immediate supervisor is a passive aggressive spawn of hell:

Pretend their subtly implied insults don't exist. Let them go right over your head. Just smile dumbly, nod, and go about your business. Not only will this make you look good to the Head Honcho, but it will infuriate your immediate supervisor, all while not once providing them any ammunition with which to either write you up or terminate you.

It won't be until after you've usurped their control of the office that they'll realize you're not a dim halfwit, but an evil genius.

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Rule #3

People, people. Listen. You don't need to clip your nails in public. Especially in an office. The last thing I need while standing at my printer, waiting for a 25-page journal article on the efficacy of Viagra use for jetlag, the last thing I need is to be hit by stray fingernail shrapnel. So, please, for the love of crack, do your nails at home.

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live (RWL?): Rule #2

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live

Rule #2: If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be neat and wipe the seat.

And if your aim is completely lacking, perhaps you have an inner ear problem that needs to get checked. Seriously, call me. I can give you the number to a great otorhinolaryngologist.

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Rule #1

(notice the appropriate grammer in the title)

I've decided to start publishing rules that I think are important. Grammer is one of them, but that's not the purpose of this particular posting. No, this here posting is for the ladies. Here goes.

Vanessa's Rules by Which to Live: Rule #1

Ladies, no matter how fabulous you think your breasts are, you need to WEAR A BRA in public. No one needs to see your nipples. So, unless you're trolling the clubs for some sleazy guy, WEAR A FRICKIN' BRA. Please. For the love of god.

Thank you.