I have one, too

A further ode to pi...

In a round-about, not exactly, kind of way. Hey, man, chemists use pi, too. To, like, measure volume and circumference and stuff.

From bradworthy.com

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term examination paper. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, which is that "gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed" or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then option 2 cannot be true, and thus 1 am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

The student received the only A.

In celebration of Pi Day...

Here are some answers by some frustrated high school students.

HAPPY PI DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What do you call the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?


PUMPKIN PI!


That's right. Dorky mathematicians UNITE! Throughout the day, I'll be posting hilarious math jokes. Just watch me, suckers.



And for those of you who don't know, today is Pi Day. Because, duh, look at the title of this post. It's pi day because today is 3-14. Get it?

Still no? Pi can be approximated at 3.14. Approximated because pi is infinite, see. Transcendental, even. I proved it, once. In my college thesis. It was called "Pi". I'll send you a copy, if you want. It's about 76 pages.

Never Piss off the Secretary

There are certain rules I live by, and by which I think other people should live. Mainly (and I’m probably biased here), I think of all the people in the world you shouldn’t piss off, it’s secretaries. Because, honestly, you really think you’re going to get what you need by irritating the hell out of me?

When calling the doctor’s office to make an appointment, if I say, “My first available appointment is Tuesday, March 25”, don’t ask me if I might have something on Friday the week before. There’s a reason I said, “My first available appointment is…”. And please, please, don’t whine at me, “Oh, you don’t have anything sooner?”

Furthermore, if you ask a question, such as, “should my husband get any testing before he comes to see the doctor?” and I respond, “no, the doctor likes to request testing once he’s examined the patient,” don’t say, “maybe I’ll email the doctor and ask him anyway.” DUDE! I’ve been working here long enough to know what my boss prefers and what he doesn’t! Stop second guessing me. If you’re not going to trust my answer, why ask me in the first place? Maybe you don’t believe me because I’m just a secretary, so how smart could I possibly be? It doesn’t occur to you that maybe I actually did graduate with a BA in mathematics, and might have more than two blonde brain cells.

So, seriously, shut the shit up stop arguing with me. This will go so much easier for you. And honestly, I’m more inclined to help you if you’re nice.

Strange potties

And as a reward for listening to my long-winded claptrap, I present you with...


STRANGE POTTY PICTURES!!!








Man, I'm tired.

Tolerance

I don't really know what to say. It's been a bad frickin' week. I lost someone very dear to me; she was far too young to go. The funeral was today, and there was a priest giving a service in the evening. I'm not religious, but if I was, I'm Jewish, so needless to say, I was a bit lost by all the standing and sitting and the call and response style prayer. He talked a lot about moving on from one part of life to another, and being at peace. I stopped believing in god when I was about 12. No one really swayed my opinion one way or the other, despite what various members of my family might think. I was just in a place in life where analysis, science and proof were very important to me. Religious, heaven and hell, god and what not, all seemed like a convenient excuse that people made up to explain what they could not. To give a reason to existence.

But, I, too, am human, and had tried to come up with a decent explanation to what happens to us after death. I think that being a ghost would be cool, but my analytical 12 year-old brain simply wouldn't allow such rubbish. I have since come up with a a couple theories, none of which involve divine reward or punishment.

The theory that I like to fall back on most is the most concise: think. What do you remember before you were born? (Take this moment to think about it...) Well, that there void in memory is what's going to happen after you die.

See what I mean? Simple, straight forward, logical. But I'm still left with the question: why? Why be here at all? My answer to this question came to be slowly, and has evolved over the years. It's not at all simple, and it's kind of rambling, so if you decide to read on, please bear with me, I'm going to state my case in the format of a mathematical proof (i.e. putting forth several statements, seemingly unrelated, and then tying them into one another).

So.

A. Our bodies are made up of molecules. Each individual atom is part of something larger, that works with the rest of us to get our bodies up and moving and trying to make sense of the universe. Take the bacteria that live in our digestive tracts. They're just chilling in there, eating my digested food, helping me poo. They don't realize that they're part of the greater good of making my digestive tract run smoothly. Bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this.

B. All of the atoms and molecules that exist in the universe originally were created within the oven in the center of a star. The earlier the star existed in the history of the universe, the simpler the element (i.e. hydrogen, etc). Early star explodes, and those atoms go blasting hither and yon, only to coalesce into new stars further down the line. This new star takes these basic elements and fuses them into more complex elements, and when this new star explodes, those new, slightly more complex elements go blasting hither and yon, only to coalesce, yada yada yada. Fast forward to the beginning of our solar system, when the sun and the nine planets (yes, I know, I'm still not willing to give up Pluto, so sue me) were nothing but a dust disc slowly revolving in space. That dust came from that line of stars that made those ever more complex elements and then spewed them into space. Fast forward to November 6, 1980. My mommy gave birth to me. I am made of elements. Elements that had originally been created in stars billions of years ago. Hence, I am made of star dust.

C. There exists a Dannon yogurt that puts various bacteria into your system that helps boost your immune system, and that helps you poo regularly.

Postulate: Humans are the universe's way of learning about itself. (says Carl Sagan)

Argument: Since people are literally made of star dust, literally made by the universe, is it possible that we were put here intentionally? Created in star-labs so the universe could learn about itself? Are we just bacteria used by something greater to serve a purpose? A purpose so large, that we don't even realize that it's there?

I know it seems so far-fetched. I'm rereading that and thinking, good grief, what a pile of horse dookey. But what if the universe is like some curious child experimenting with its new existence? Toddlers put stuff in their mouths.

I'm just saying, if people can believe that some omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being created us in his image for no good reason, why couldn't this even be entertained as a credible possibility? It would, at least, give us purpose.

But then, it is 3:30 in the morning, and I've had a very long week, and a lot of quiet time to think about this.

See you in the next supernova.